Searching for the Sun

I’m alone again tonight, staring out the window and trying to make out shapes in the night sky. Sometimes the moon throws out enough light to paint silver linings around the clouds, but not tonight. I’m done with silver linings anyways. I want more than just reflected light. I want the sun. So I’m sitting here, searching for the first rays of light to creep over the rooftops to the east. I don’t know how long I’ll have to wait, but I know that I’m alone in this house. It feels like I’m alone in this city. I can’t help but surrender to this feeling I’ve held back for years: a loneliness far beyond this moment, beyond the silence of this room and the dark emptiness of the street.

She didn’t leave a hole in my heart when she left me. She showed me that there had always been a hole there, I just never knew it until the day she pointed it out as she walked away. It’s an emptiness inside of me that has only ever been partially filled, and only by her. It’s my capacity for an emotion that I would give my life to experience - an emotion that embodies the sum of my values reflected in another person. It’s my longing for a person I have never met and who exists only in my knowledge of my capacity for that emotion. 

She was never the person I was looking for, but she made me painfully aware of the fact that I was searching. I will always be searching, desperately, endlessly, until I find you.

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